Where do you go ?

Where do you go when you feel useless,undervalued and when even your best is not good enough and never will be. When you have reached out for help so many times but nothing comes.When you want to let everything in your head spill out but you know it will hurt those you love.

I am a believer in Karma and believe what goes around comes around, So ive always tried to give good things to people even when i have had nothing for myself ,Ive always tried to be there when they need me . So when they day comes all the good things would come back to me eventually .Well i need them now , Now when i feel i have NOTHING left to give.When i spend every day wishing i wasnt here and laying awake every night feeling guilty for feeling like this .

I look around me and people are having real troubles ,People are dying ,starving and have lost everything and i just feel selfish because i just feel dead. I have a family ,a home ,food on the table,SO whats WRONG with me ?.Maybe im just greedy and always will be looking for more and deserve that i get nothing and my punishment is walking around with a knot in my stomach every day .

We all have two lives our puplic life where everything is good ,Business is going great and your happy ,healthy and glowing and then there is your real life where you feel out of control ,depressed and every day is a struggle.But nobody wants to hear about it because they too are struggling .

I dont want Pity  writing this down is not meant to evoke feelings of guilt or sympathy I just need to get it out ,So there you have it the watered down sugar coated version where i havent said anything that will hurt and upset anyone .For now that will have to do because until i find the confidence and the feeling of self worth to actually put myself first ,I will have to paint on the smile for my public face and get on with it .